Please excuse the random word vomit...

[bleedingangel84]

Life is so peculiar sometimes.

I have good days, bad days, and days in between.

Most of my days are somewhere between good and bad, if I'm completely honest.

Some days, I wish I'd never been born. Some days, I just want to die.

Many more days, I feel like I simply exist.

I feel neither alive nor dead.

It's like I'm a walking empty space.

I get frustrated with myself, because there's nothing I'm sure of. I feel like I've spent so long trying to conform and gain acceptance that I'm not sure what's the "real" me anymore. This is, if I ever really knew to begin with.

I keep wondering what life is supposed to be.

Sometimes I wish I was different. It's not that my life is awful, but I'm not satisfied by it. I'm not always who I want to be.

I'm too dependent on my family to feel really capable of anything in my own right, but I'm not sure how to go about gaining a sense of self separate from them.

I'm afraid of being a failure, when it comes down to it. I don't have faith in my ability to function as an independent being. Much of that is simply because I have rarely been afforded that opportunity. I won't say that I was taught to mistrust myself, but that was the lesson I learned throughout my life. People have always done things for me, rather than allowing me to learn to do them myself. It was generally easier for them that way. It meant they didn't have to worry about me getting hurt that way.

The negative side of that is that it leaves me feeling incapable of caring for my own needs and not in control of my own life. Consequently, I developed some rather negative means of asserting self-control.

I have at times struggled with self-injury and eating issues.

I would not advise anyone to adopt these as coping mechanisms, but for a long time, that felt like the only thing I could control that no one else interfered with. Nothing else felt like it was just mine.  There is just so much in my life that it seems I have no choice about, and so many decisions that got made for me, it was a good feeling to be able to make choices, even if they were detrimental for me. in fact, in some ways it felt better for that, because part of me was so angry at myself for being weak that it felt good to be self-destructive. In some weird way, it was like I was getting revenge. I felt like I deserved punishment for having the nerve to be born less than perfect.

Now, I know that no one is perfect. I'd never expect anyone to be. I'd never be as hard on anyone else as I am on myself.

The bottom line is, sometimes I flat-out hate myself.

I hate the fact that I was born with Cerebral Palsy. I hate the fact that I never quite learned to value myself. In the back of my mind, I always feel less worthy of the things I have. I can never quite find the words to express that, but I always wonder if what I've accomplished is truly my doing or if people just felt sorry for me.

I'm always self-conscious in a way that no one else seems to understand, and to an extent that no one else seems to grasp, no matter how I try to explain things.

I get easily embarrassed by things that others would see as no big thing.

I hate being condescended to because of my disability.

Not that anyone does like that, but I'm hypersensitive about it because of my disability. Somewhat too sensitive, I know, but I often get the feeling that people don't take me seriously because of my disability. That they automatically view me in terms of the things I can't do, rather than thinking in terms of what I can. Perhaps they merely take their cues from me. Thus, I can't really fault anyone for that, but I still don't like that anyone does that, myself included. I don't like that I learned to see myself based on limitations rather than abilities.

Maybe all of this is stupid to say. Maybe I shouldn't be putting it out there, but I will, because I need to get this out before it literally drives me to do something drastic. I hate to seem like I'm seeking attention or anything with this. I'm not even really sure what it is I hope to accomplish with this, but if it releases some of this pressure I feel under, I suppose that's something to be grateful for.

I'm a little irritated with myself for writing this. I'm getting on my own nerves. Part of me is wondering if all of this is bullshit and I'm just being a crybaby for no good reason.

But, I guess this is my attempt to take care of myself in a healthy way. I think it's a step in a positive direction if I'm able to verbalise or write this, rather than shutting it up as i usually would.

Today, will not be a bad day. I will try to make sure that it is a positive one.

Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take time to make change for myself. We are all works-in-progress anyway, and there's no reason for me to feel ashamed of this.

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

No need to be ashamed at all. You're a talented and accomplished person, so give yourself some credit. *hugs*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you so much for saying that. It means a lot to me.