This is why I shouldn't think...

[bleedingangel84]

Sometimes insecurity gnaws at me. Anyone who knows remotely anything about me can probably tell, because I seem to broadcast that damn emotion like a fucking foghorn. Which kind of sucks. In some ways, people think I'm an open book. Maybe I am, but if that's the case, there are plenty of notes scrawled in those margins that most people don't bother looking at. There is so much more to me than what people see, but I never feel like enough for anyone. Part of me can't help but wonder if I'm somehow a fraud. Not because I try  to hide things, but because I wonder really deep down if I deserve anything I have.

I've been feeling lately like I have very little privacy or personal space. I don't feel as if I quite belong anywhere, particularly lately. I don't feel as if I fit within my own home, or within my own family. I don't think I ever really have, to be quite honest, but it seems worse lately. I feel like excess clutter. In my own life. Which seems a tad pathetic when put into words. I don't seem to be able to stop the feeling.

I can't put the sensation of being me into words, but it's not particularly pleasant right now. I'm by turns either lonely, numb or crying. Life seems to hurt, but it's pain I've learned to bear with a smile, generally. I can't even say I'm particularly unhappy. I have moments of contentedness and pleasure frequently enough that most people would say I have no reason to complain. I just feel restless, I guess.  Like life should be more than this. But, the problem is that I don't trust myself. I know I'm stronger than I realize, because if I wasn't, I'd have rolled over and given up a long time ago, but I'm in too much of a dependent position to believe I actually possess the kind of strength that translates into action. I'm afraid to trust my own abilities, because I don't think that I ever learned how, and doing it now scares me to death.

Speaking of which, it will soon be nearly two years since my father's passing. I can barely get my head around that. There are still some days I wonder how the hell I'm surviving without him here, but somehow I am. I still see him in my sleep sometimes, which is a bit like a lifeline. I miss him. I had a place here with him that I no longer have. I knew where I belonged, and now it feels like I don't. It's not that things were anywhere near perfect with him, but he believed in my ability to look after myself. That lent me a certain level of confidence in myself that has been eroding ever since he died.  In some ways, it's as though I lost myself when he died, and I'm not sure how to get back .

Anyway, I'm not sure what else to say. Writing this has been cathartic. Sorry if anyone is annoyed  by this post, but if you'd rather not read it, you  don't have to.

Take care, LJ.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Take some small steps towards independence. Does your city/town offer transportation for those with disabilities? Check into it. If so, you can get out and about without relying on your family to take you somewhere. Ask around to see if there are any volunteer opportunities for you. Work on a church or community newsletter, stuff envelopes for a political or environmental cause. I think if you had something to do of that nature, it would give you a greater sense of satisfaction. Oooh, how about one of the Dear Abby campaigns to write letters to our armed forces overseas? Giving a morale boost to soldiers would be awesome.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

We have no forms of public transportation here. Our county is too poor and rural to support it. I've checked into it before. Those are good suggestions, though. Maybe I could find some way to do something like that online. I'll have to give it a think and see what works for me. Happy Birthday to you! I hope your day is awesome! <3