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bleedingangel84And I have a love/hate relationship with that that is more hate than love. It's even been an issue between me and some people. And I know why they had a problem with it. It's just, I'm not a bad, evil sort of person. Why do I always feel as if I should cringe and apologize for existing? My parents are the ones who brought me into the world. I'm not a demon. I'm just existing and doing the best I can with the body and circumstances I was given.
So why is it that I constantly feel like I have to say sorry for everything? I would literally apologize for existing if anyone would let me. Actually, I have done that. I feel like I don't deserve to exist. It sounds/feels weird to say that, but that's the truth of how I feel. I don't really like my life very much. I'm so used to trying to make myself agreeable to the people that share my blood that sometimes it's hard to remember there's a real person beneath that. One I might actually like if I felt free to express my real thoughts and test my limits. But the sad truth is, I don't and I'm not. And I'm not okay with that, but I don't know how to change it. I know it won't happen overnight, but I don't even know where to start. Urgh.
I know, this is the same old mess as always, but it was get it out or choke on it till it kills me. I'm 29, and I barely feel alive anymore.
If not for my nephews, I wouldn't mind dying. It's not that I'm suicidal. I'm not. I could never do that to my family or to anyone else I care about. I've lost people to suicide, and it hurts like hell to be left wondering the whys and what ifs, so I don't plan to off myself. I'm not saying my thinking about this might not change at some point in the future, but while I'm in a non-suicidal frame of mind, I couldn't.
So, yeah, there's that.
I have been suicidal in the past. When I'm there, it feels like killing myself would be doing everyone that knows me a favor, because I'm nothing but a burden. I always feel like a burden, even when I'm in a fairly good place mentally. But when I'm in that spiral, every bad feeling is magnified and intensified to near-unbearable proportions. Every thought hurts. Every memory is pain, and I become so fucking self-critical that it seems like nothing is I do is right or correct. But then, I feel that way to a certain extent constantly. It's just that when I'm in a good space, I'm better able to deal with my life and rationalize that I'm not a total failure at life.
I'm in a somewhat wavering place at the moment. My logical brain is holding the worst parts of my self-destructiveness in check, but I feel it lurking in the back of my head. The really sick thing is it's like a really not-healthy security blanket. Just knowing that I could easily fall back into old patterns of behavior is a comfort of sorts, even though I know it's not what is best for me. There's a part of me that really does want that, though. It feels...safe? I know it's not, really, but I would at least feel the illusion of control over something.
It's stupid to sacrifice what's right for me in the name of rebellion. I know that. I will be good. I will not hurt myself. I will eat. I will sleep. I will tutor. I will behave. And I will plan.
I have to believe that one day, things will work out so that I feel more in control of what happens in my life. And until then, I will bide my time.
I will do my best to be myself with those I feel safe opening up to, and I will endeavor not to make relatives worry I have gone crazy, even if it seems like they are slowly driving me there because I feel that my viewpoints aren't valid in their sight. I have to do that, or I physically don't think I would survive very long. I depend on them to meet my needs in more ways than I probably should, but I don't know who else to turn to, and that's the truth.
I'm just so tired of feeling worth less. Maybe they don't see me that way, but it's how I feel. Like I'm less valuable somehow because I don't make money or have kids. They'd never say that to me, because they don't want to hurt me like that, but that's the impression I've gotten, spoken or unspoken. I feel invalid. Like I don't matter. They can tell me otherwise till they go blue, but it doesn't change things. I need to be given room to breathe. I feel too self-conscious to be comfortable in my own skin, and that can not be a healthy state of things.
Whew... I got all that out. Thank you for listening/reading. I know I keep rehashing the same ground, especially over my RL things, so you can ignore this if you don't know how to respond. I don't blame you. I haven't a clue how, and it's my life.
Hope everyone is well. <3
So why is it that I constantly feel like I have to say sorry for everything? I would literally apologize for existing if anyone would let me. Actually, I have done that. I feel like I don't deserve to exist. It sounds/feels weird to say that, but that's the truth of how I feel. I don't really like my life very much. I'm so used to trying to make myself agreeable to the people that share my blood that sometimes it's hard to remember there's a real person beneath that. One I might actually like if I felt free to express my real thoughts and test my limits. But the sad truth is, I don't and I'm not. And I'm not okay with that, but I don't know how to change it. I know it won't happen overnight, but I don't even know where to start. Urgh.
I know, this is the same old mess as always, but it was get it out or choke on it till it kills me. I'm 29, and I barely feel alive anymore.
If not for my nephews, I wouldn't mind dying. It's not that I'm suicidal. I'm not. I could never do that to my family or to anyone else I care about. I've lost people to suicide, and it hurts like hell to be left wondering the whys and what ifs, so I don't plan to off myself. I'm not saying my thinking about this might not change at some point in the future, but while I'm in a non-suicidal frame of mind, I couldn't.
So, yeah, there's that.
I have been suicidal in the past. When I'm there, it feels like killing myself would be doing everyone that knows me a favor, because I'm nothing but a burden. I always feel like a burden, even when I'm in a fairly good place mentally. But when I'm in that spiral, every bad feeling is magnified and intensified to near-unbearable proportions. Every thought hurts. Every memory is pain, and I become so fucking self-critical that it seems like nothing is I do is right or correct. But then, I feel that way to a certain extent constantly. It's just that when I'm in a good space, I'm better able to deal with my life and rationalize that I'm not a total failure at life.
I'm in a somewhat wavering place at the moment. My logical brain is holding the worst parts of my self-destructiveness in check, but I feel it lurking in the back of my head. The really sick thing is it's like a really not-healthy security blanket. Just knowing that I could easily fall back into old patterns of behavior is a comfort of sorts, even though I know it's not what is best for me. There's a part of me that really does want that, though. It feels...safe? I know it's not, really, but I would at least feel the illusion of control over something.
It's stupid to sacrifice what's right for me in the name of rebellion. I know that. I will be good. I will not hurt myself. I will eat. I will sleep. I will tutor. I will behave. And I will plan.
I have to believe that one day, things will work out so that I feel more in control of what happens in my life. And until then, I will bide my time.
I will do my best to be myself with those I feel safe opening up to, and I will endeavor not to make relatives worry I have gone crazy, even if it seems like they are slowly driving me there because I feel that my viewpoints aren't valid in their sight. I have to do that, or I physically don't think I would survive very long. I depend on them to meet my needs in more ways than I probably should, but I don't know who else to turn to, and that's the truth.
I'm just so tired of feeling worth less. Maybe they don't see me that way, but it's how I feel. Like I'm less valuable somehow because I don't make money or have kids. They'd never say that to me, because they don't want to hurt me like that, but that's the impression I've gotten, spoken or unspoken. I feel invalid. Like I don't matter. They can tell me otherwise till they go blue, but it doesn't change things. I need to be given room to breathe. I feel too self-conscious to be comfortable in my own skin, and that can not be a healthy state of things.
Whew... I got all that out. Thank you for listening/reading. I know I keep rehashing the same ground, especially over my RL things, so you can ignore this if you don't know how to respond. I don't blame you. I haven't a clue how, and it's my life.
Hope everyone is well. <3
no subject
on 2013-11-07 09:38 pm (UTC)You are who you are. And if others don't like it... THEN FUCK THEM.
Work on yourself and don't worry about what others are saying, thinking. AGAIN: FUCK THEM.
I'm not sure what's exactly going on, but know that there's a lot of people in this world with a lot of problems, and they don't go around apologizing, so why should you?
People make their own happiness. I've always believed that. Do what makes you happy and do it well. If nothing makes you happy? Really? I don't believe that. If you watch this one movie and it makes you happy. Then watch it every day. Because it makes you happy.
Be well and stay positive.
Sorry you're going through a tough time (see...) but know that we're here for you and for support.
Writing of course helps. And write whatever. If you have to spend hours, just writing a SMUT scene to take your mind off everything else... then do that.
Always work on improving yourself, and don't worry about anyone else. All the people in your life, will appreciate you for who you are.. and those that don't, are not welcome in your life, anyway.
Good luck!
no subject
on 2013-11-07 10:39 pm (UTC)