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bleedingangel84And I have a love/hate relationship with that that is more hate than love. It's even been an issue between me and some people. And I know why they had a problem with it. It's just, I'm not a bad, evil sort of person. Why do I always feel as if I should cringe and apologize for existing? My parents are the ones who brought me into the world. I'm not a demon. I'm just existing and doing the best I can with the body and circumstances I was given.
So why is it that I constantly feel like I have to say sorry for everything? I would literally apologize for existing if anyone would let me. Actually, I have done that. I feel like I don't deserve to exist. It sounds/feels weird to say that, but that's the truth of how I feel. I don't really like my life very much. I'm so used to trying to make myself agreeable to the people that share my blood that sometimes it's hard to remember there's a real person beneath that. One I might actually like if I felt free to express my real thoughts and test my limits. But the sad truth is, I don't and I'm not. And I'm not okay with that, but I don't know how to change it. I know it won't happen overnight, but I don't even know where to start. Urgh.
I know, this is the same old mess as always, but it was get it out or choke on it till it kills me. I'm 29, and I barely feel alive anymore.
If not for my nephews, I wouldn't mind dying. It's not that I'm suicidal. I'm not. I could never do that to my family or to anyone else I care about. I've lost people to suicide, and it hurts like hell to be left wondering the whys and what ifs, so I don't plan to off myself. I'm not saying my thinking about this might not change at some point in the future, but while I'm in a non-suicidal frame of mind, I couldn't.
So, yeah, there's that.
I have been suicidal in the past. When I'm there, it feels like killing myself would be doing everyone that knows me a favor, because I'm nothing but a burden. I always feel like a burden, even when I'm in a fairly good place mentally. But when I'm in that spiral, every bad feeling is magnified and intensified to near-unbearable proportions. Every thought hurts. Every memory is pain, and I become so fucking self-critical that it seems like nothing is I do is right or correct. But then, I feel that way to a certain extent constantly. It's just that when I'm in a good space, I'm better able to deal with my life and rationalize that I'm not a total failure at life.
I'm in a somewhat wavering place at the moment. My logical brain is holding the worst parts of my self-destructiveness in check, but I feel it lurking in the back of my head. The really sick thing is it's like a really not-healthy security blanket. Just knowing that I could easily fall back into old patterns of behavior is a comfort of sorts, even though I know it's not what is best for me. There's a part of me that really does want that, though. It feels...safe? I know it's not, really, but I would at least feel the illusion of control over something.
It's stupid to sacrifice what's right for me in the name of rebellion. I know that. I will be good. I will not hurt myself. I will eat. I will sleep. I will tutor. I will behave. And I will plan.
I have to believe that one day, things will work out so that I feel more in control of what happens in my life. And until then, I will bide my time.
I will do my best to be myself with those I feel safe opening up to, and I will endeavor not to make relatives worry I have gone crazy, even if it seems like they are slowly driving me there because I feel that my viewpoints aren't valid in their sight. I have to do that, or I physically don't think I would survive very long. I depend on them to meet my needs in more ways than I probably should, but I don't know who else to turn to, and that's the truth.
I'm just so tired of feeling worth less. Maybe they don't see me that way, but it's how I feel. Like I'm less valuable somehow because I don't make money or have kids. They'd never say that to me, because they don't want to hurt me like that, but that's the impression I've gotten, spoken or unspoken. I feel invalid. Like I don't matter. They can tell me otherwise till they go blue, but it doesn't change things. I need to be given room to breathe. I feel too self-conscious to be comfortable in my own skin, and that can not be a healthy state of things.
Whew... I got all that out. Thank you for listening/reading. I know I keep rehashing the same ground, especially over my RL things, so you can ignore this if you don't know how to respond. I don't blame you. I haven't a clue how, and it's my life.
Hope everyone is well. <3
So why is it that I constantly feel like I have to say sorry for everything? I would literally apologize for existing if anyone would let me. Actually, I have done that. I feel like I don't deserve to exist. It sounds/feels weird to say that, but that's the truth of how I feel. I don't really like my life very much. I'm so used to trying to make myself agreeable to the people that share my blood that sometimes it's hard to remember there's a real person beneath that. One I might actually like if I felt free to express my real thoughts and test my limits. But the sad truth is, I don't and I'm not. And I'm not okay with that, but I don't know how to change it. I know it won't happen overnight, but I don't even know where to start. Urgh.
I know, this is the same old mess as always, but it was get it out or choke on it till it kills me. I'm 29, and I barely feel alive anymore.
If not for my nephews, I wouldn't mind dying. It's not that I'm suicidal. I'm not. I could never do that to my family or to anyone else I care about. I've lost people to suicide, and it hurts like hell to be left wondering the whys and what ifs, so I don't plan to off myself. I'm not saying my thinking about this might not change at some point in the future, but while I'm in a non-suicidal frame of mind, I couldn't.
So, yeah, there's that.
I have been suicidal in the past. When I'm there, it feels like killing myself would be doing everyone that knows me a favor, because I'm nothing but a burden. I always feel like a burden, even when I'm in a fairly good place mentally. But when I'm in that spiral, every bad feeling is magnified and intensified to near-unbearable proportions. Every thought hurts. Every memory is pain, and I become so fucking self-critical that it seems like nothing is I do is right or correct. But then, I feel that way to a certain extent constantly. It's just that when I'm in a good space, I'm better able to deal with my life and rationalize that I'm not a total failure at life.
I'm in a somewhat wavering place at the moment. My logical brain is holding the worst parts of my self-destructiveness in check, but I feel it lurking in the back of my head. The really sick thing is it's like a really not-healthy security blanket. Just knowing that I could easily fall back into old patterns of behavior is a comfort of sorts, even though I know it's not what is best for me. There's a part of me that really does want that, though. It feels...safe? I know it's not, really, but I would at least feel the illusion of control over something.
It's stupid to sacrifice what's right for me in the name of rebellion. I know that. I will be good. I will not hurt myself. I will eat. I will sleep. I will tutor. I will behave. And I will plan.
I have to believe that one day, things will work out so that I feel more in control of what happens in my life. And until then, I will bide my time.
I will do my best to be myself with those I feel safe opening up to, and I will endeavor not to make relatives worry I have gone crazy, even if it seems like they are slowly driving me there because I feel that my viewpoints aren't valid in their sight. I have to do that, or I physically don't think I would survive very long. I depend on them to meet my needs in more ways than I probably should, but I don't know who else to turn to, and that's the truth.
I'm just so tired of feeling worth less. Maybe they don't see me that way, but it's how I feel. Like I'm less valuable somehow because I don't make money or have kids. They'd never say that to me, because they don't want to hurt me like that, but that's the impression I've gotten, spoken or unspoken. I feel invalid. Like I don't matter. They can tell me otherwise till they go blue, but it doesn't change things. I need to be given room to breathe. I feel too self-conscious to be comfortable in my own skin, and that can not be a healthy state of things.
Whew... I got all that out. Thank you for listening/reading. I know I keep rehashing the same ground, especially over my RL things, so you can ignore this if you don't know how to respond. I don't blame you. I haven't a clue how, and it's my life.
Hope everyone is well. <3
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no subject
on 2013-11-07 10:39 pm (UTC)