The thoughts in me head are dark, dark, dark...

[bleedingangel84]

The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.

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[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I've been considering going back to therapy, but I don't know that I could find the right one to deal with all of my issues. And right now, I'm not sure I have the mental stamina to go to through the process of finding the right therapist. I've learned from hard experience that having the wrong one can sometimes do more harm than good, so it makes me a bit wary of trusting the process, which is what you need to do for it to really be effective. I feel like I have the tools I need to get out of this state, but sometimes it's just very hard to find the motivation to do that, especially when there seems to be a lot of things happening at once. I'm pretty sure that what happened on Mother's Day was one of the things that set this in motion. It would be simplistic to say that that was the only thing, but I know it was a trigger for it. I just have to take things one day at a time and not get too bogged down in worrying over what might happen and what people expect(or don't expect) of me. It only makes me feel worse. Thank you so much for the support, Jae. I really appreciate it.