The thoughts in me head are dark, dark, dark...

[bleedingangel84]

The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.

Comments

[mage-girl.livejournal.com]

I get this so much, hon.

I know it's hard when your head is being an absolute shit to you.

Sending you so much Love and hugs and all that good stuff.

xoxoxo


K.

[my_thestral]

If you honestly feel like this - and can afford to take a nap - do so, by all means. Some sleep might put things in a different perspective.
I know you struggle, and god knows you have every reason to describe your life as... well, challenging, to put it mildly.
I've had my dark moments (I even wrote a song about it in my early 20s, I'd share it with you, but you're depressed enough, you don't need poor poetry on top of that ;)) and more often than not I have to argue with my-depressed-self that I was sent to this Earth with a purpose and if I can't see it, perhaps I have to wait to the very end of my natural life to see what it was.
My sister, who's got just about the shittiest life one can imagine in a Western world (terrible abusive job, no BF, lives alone, she even had to go to a police because she has a stalker, for fuck's sake!) told me that she often thinks about just offing herself, but she's a firm believer in karma and she says: "I'm gonna work myself through this shit, there's no way I'm going through it again in another life!" That's her reason, you need to find your own.
I'm very sorry your mind is such a dark place to live in - because that's where we really live in, don't we? Someone would look outside on a nice hot day and think of fun at the seaside and another would think of global warming and yet another - where the fuck are the clouds, all this light is making me uncomfortable! ;)
You can't honestly think the world would be a better place without you? You said the other day something to the account that losing your grandma would cause you grief (not with these words) - can you imagine what losing you would do to your family? You might think that it would free them, but in reality, it traps them in their grief and guilty consciousness forever. There's hardly anything worse for a family.
You have this life to live. This one. This is what you got dished out and you're stuck with it. Perhaps it's overwhelming and it makes you think you might choke on it, but you're not given anything you can't cope with, because that's how humans succeeded as a species: we rose to the occasion. No one said life was meant to be easy.
I read it the other time on-line and I agree completely: if all humans could put their problems on a giant heap and see everyone else's, they'd probably take theirs right back.
I know you were meant to bring light into someone's life and if you haven't found them yet and you think about disappearing - they'll be without for good. I wish you courage to breathe your way across the darkness. :)

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're getting depressed. Talking about your concerns with a trained professional may be beneficial. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.