The thoughts in me head are dark, dark, dark...

[bleedingangel84]

The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.

Comments

[mage-girl.livejournal.com]

I get this so much, hon.

I know it's hard when your head is being an absolute shit to you.

Sending you so much Love and hugs and all that good stuff.

xoxoxo


K.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for being so supportive. I hate to think of anyone else going through this, but it really helps to know that someone else can relate to how I'm feeling. Sending love, hugs, and good vibes your way. <3 *hugs*

[my_thestral]

If you honestly feel like this - and can afford to take a nap - do so, by all means. Some sleep might put things in a different perspective.
I know you struggle, and god knows you have every reason to describe your life as... well, challenging, to put it mildly.
I've had my dark moments (I even wrote a song about it in my early 20s, I'd share it with you, but you're depressed enough, you don't need poor poetry on top of that ;)) and more often than not I have to argue with my-depressed-self that I was sent to this Earth with a purpose and if I can't see it, perhaps I have to wait to the very end of my natural life to see what it was.
My sister, who's got just about the shittiest life one can imagine in a Western world (terrible abusive job, no BF, lives alone, she even had to go to a police because she has a stalker, for fuck's sake!) told me that she often thinks about just offing herself, but she's a firm believer in karma and she says: "I'm gonna work myself through this shit, there's no way I'm going through it again in another life!" That's her reason, you need to find your own.
I'm very sorry your mind is such a dark place to live in - because that's where we really live in, don't we? Someone would look outside on a nice hot day and think of fun at the seaside and another would think of global warming and yet another - where the fuck are the clouds, all this light is making me uncomfortable! ;)
You can't honestly think the world would be a better place without you? You said the other day something to the account that losing your grandma would cause you grief (not with these words) - can you imagine what losing you would do to your family? You might think that it would free them, but in reality, it traps them in their grief and guilty consciousness forever. There's hardly anything worse for a family.
You have this life to live. This one. This is what you got dished out and you're stuck with it. Perhaps it's overwhelming and it makes you think you might choke on it, but you're not given anything you can't cope with, because that's how humans succeeded as a species: we rose to the occasion. No one said life was meant to be easy.
I read it the other time on-line and I agree completely: if all humans could put their problems on a giant heap and see everyone else's, they'd probably take theirs right back.
I know you were meant to bring light into someone's life and if you haven't found them yet and you think about disappearing - they'll be without for good. I wish you courage to breathe your way across the darkness. :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for always leaving such thoughtful comments. It means a lot to me. Some sleep did help me feel a little better, but I'm still struggling. I can relate to what your sister feels. I feel the same way. Generally when I contemplate suicide, I end up talking myself out of it because I'd just have to come back and face the same shit again under worse circumstances. I really don't want to do that. Plus, I can't tolerate the thought that my family would feel guilty if I did act on my thoughts. I think about suicide, but I don't know that I could ever bring myself to carry it through. It just doesn't seem worth it when it wouldn't do anything good in the long term. I know that when I'm thinking logically, but sometimes the other stuff gets overwhelming. Last night was rough, but I was able to get some sleep, which is usually one of the things that helps. I'm not completely better yet, but I feel like I'm getting there, slowly. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and share. Thank you so much!

[my_thestral]

You're most welcome, girl! You know, my sister (she's a social worker by profession) once told me I'd make a shit counselor for people calling the helplines, because I always want to find solutions and some people just want someone to listen to - finding a solution is beyond their capabilities when they're desperate enough to call.
She's right, of course. I would find it very depressing working in an environment where I would be faced with a lot of bad and couldn't do anything about it.
I'd love to do something for you, take you for a coffee and a chat or something, even if I'd have to levitate you there ;), because I have a feeling you could use a change of environment every so often. (I have a bit of Harry's Saviour complex ;)) But I can't do that, we're worlds apart and the only thing I have to offer are words and I'm not too good spinning those around, so every time I sort of have to hope you'd understand them the way they were meant, as a consolation.
Frankly, I don't feel sorry for you, I admire you, I'm sure I wouldn't be doing half as good in your shoes, because everything I write is from the position of a person who has a reasonably good health and doesn't have to struggle with the things that the illness brings along - and those aren't just physical limitations, but also psychological and emotional burdens, such as poor self-esteem and feeling that you don't have a purpose in life or that you're an inconvenience to the others. Perhaps you struggle with those feelings as well, but you shouldn't. Everyone's got a role to play in a grand scheme of things, you do, too, regardless of your health. You should allow your health issues limit and define you any more than it's unavoidable. Your legs perhaps can't walk, but your spirit can fly. Let it. :)
Lots of good and a hug!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

:) Wanting to find solutions and be proactive isn't a bad thing. I very much appreciate your take on things when you respond to what I post. It makes me feel less isolated when it comes to the things I deal with, which is a huge help. Even if all you are doing is posting words, it means a lot that you took the time to think about and type a reply. I value that very much. You are very right in saying that I could use a change of environment every now and again. I'll have to see if I can't find a means of accomplishing that. Thank you for not feeling sorry for me. I'm not sure I deserve admiration, but I'm thankful you feel that way.

The funny thing with my Cerebral Palsy is that it doesn't seem to have that much negative impact on my physical health, but it definitely influences what my family in general thinks I'm capable of doing. There are things I know I'm capable of doing that aren't allowed or encouraged because my family is afraid I'd be hurt if they permitted them. It's frustrating, because on one hand I am an adult, but on the other, certain of my physical limitations force me to be in a dependent position on people I might otherwise choose not to associate with if I were completely independent. The physical limitations are bad enough in and of themselves, but the emotional/mental ramifications of it are the hardest things to deal with most of the time. All I know to do is just to keep trying and do the best I can to be myself. Hopefully my family will eventually learn to see things differently. Thank you again for everything.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're getting depressed. Talking about your concerns with a trained professional may be beneficial. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I've been considering going back to therapy, but I don't know that I could find the right one to deal with all of my issues. And right now, I'm not sure I have the mental stamina to go to through the process of finding the right therapist. I've learned from hard experience that having the wrong one can sometimes do more harm than good, so it makes me a bit wary of trusting the process, which is what you need to do for it to really be effective. I feel like I have the tools I need to get out of this state, but sometimes it's just very hard to find the motivation to do that, especially when there seems to be a lot of things happening at once. I'm pretty sure that what happened on Mother's Day was one of the things that set this in motion. It would be simplistic to say that that was the only thing, but I know it was a trigger for it. I just have to take things one day at a time and not get too bogged down in worrying over what might happen and what people expect(or don't expect) of me. It only makes me feel worse. Thank you so much for the support, Jae. I really appreciate it.