Thank God it's Friday!

[bleedingangel84]

I am, for once, looking forward to this weekend. I have every intention of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower tomorrow. It is one of my favorite movies ever. I can relate to both that movie and book in some way that defies being quantified. I recently bought it on Amazon for less than $5. New. I guess it must've been meant for me to have it.

I have been struggling lately. I can't say that I'm actively suicidal. I have no plans to do anything that drastic, but I have been thinking about death a lot. The self-destructive side of me is rearing its head a little. I'm doing my best to ignore that and get on with self-care, but in all honesty, that's not what I want to do. I just feel like I'm going to explode if this keeps up. I'm almost looking forward to that because it would be something different. I don't even know how to make that make sense to anyone else, but everything in my life, especially lately, always feels the same. I'm around the same people and I do the same things every day. And that's all well and good. But, there's a part of me that wishes I was anywhere else doing anything else and with anyone else.

I literally have had no personal face-to-face contact with anyone who isn't in my family for months now. Even when I do get out of my house to go for supplies and food, it's my family that takes me. I just feel the urge to scream sometimes. I love my family. and I know they love me. I wish them no ill will. I'm thankful for all they do for me. But, sometimes I wish things were different.

I guess that's all I have to say. I hope everyone is well.

Comments

[my_thestral]

It must be something in this bloody season or whatever other rot - everyone's depressed! I've got two other friends on the LJ that are struggling just as you are, one with anxiety, other with depression. (My neighbour who's into this lunar eclipses and all the stellar movements says it's an extremely difficult period with god knows what transitions and constellations I don't even know how to pronounce). My son with Asperger's has been struggling with major screaming fits and nervous break-downs and he's only 8, mind you. It feels like we're on the edge of something new and something's gotta give. But it's not going to be me and I hope it's not going to be you.:)
If you really want to go out and interact with someone other than your family, I suppose you have to let them know. Is there an amusement park you could go to? I understand that you probably wouldn't be able to go to all of the attractions, but surely there is some stuff you could do. Or a book club you could join to discuss literature and reading? Sometimes stuff you could do is posted on the bulletin boards of schools. Or just look at the local tourist guides and if you aren't allowed to drive or can't, ask someone to take you somewhere new - I'm sure there's places in your vicinity you haven't explored yet.
And above all - hugs of all flavours for you! I know you can do this - autumn will come with its beautiful colours and we'll all be able to see the beauty of this planet once again - and perhaps be inspired to create something wonderful! :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. I really appreciate your support and suggestions. I'm sorry to hear that your son is struggling as well. My thoughts are with you both. I wish there was a local amusement park, but where I am is extremely rural. I'm not sure if there are any book clubs around, but that would be a great idea. I'm not able to drive, so getting out is somewhat of a challenge at times, but I will definitely let someone know I need to get out soon. Thank you again for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. *hugs* We will make it through this. :)

[idikehaine.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs for you*
I'm also strugling with suicidal thought (okay maybe even actual plans how to do it).
Maybe you could try to go to new places? First just the nearby places, like a coffee shop, where you can sit for yourself and inspect the people and later interract with them (you choose your tempo, of course ;D) And later go to more places that are more far away from what you know. Or how about booking a three days spa trip either for one person or two?
You don't have to travel hunderts of kilometers to see/ find new things (you can, if you want to) you can try it with 100 meters.
Sorry, if my message doesn't make a lot of sense. But, if you need a person who can and will listen, than I'm here.
Sending you more big hugs!! <3

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs back*

I am so sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now. I hope that things start to improve for you soon. If you feel close to suicide and need to talk, you're welcome to message me any time. All of us here would miss you. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, but I want to let you know you can talk to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a nice comment when you are struggling yourself. That means a lot to me. I'll have to see if I can do some of what you suggested. Thank you again for taking the time to let me know I'm not alone.

*big hugs* <3