Long day is loooong...

[bleedingangel84]

They didn't come to pick my nephew up from his tutoring until about 7:30pm. My brain is beyond fried. I'm struggling with the stress I've been dealing with lately, and it's making me wish I was still engaging in my more harmful pastimes.I have healthier ways to cope, and I know that. Right now, though, part of my brain wants to say "fuck off" to anything healthy because i just want to self-destruct.  I won't, but I want to. I had to put that out there, if for no other reason than for the sake of honesty.

I sometimes wish I was dead. That has been happening more often lately. I should say here that I have no plans or intentions to do anything that drastic, so please don't worry about that. I've just noticed that I tend to get morbidly introspective when I get stressed, and that is not really the best thing for my well-being, because I start to feel like a drain on my family, and a burden. I do my best to make sure that I'm not. I give back in whatever way I can, but I'm not Wonder Woman. I have to navigate around my limitations, and sometimes that is the world's biggest pain in my ass. But, if I didn't have this, then maybe I'd have to be some ignorant asshat. So, I think I'll stick it out. I'd rather have physical challenges than have a small mind.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Love and positive thoughts for all.

Comments

[my_thestral]

You know, you're so cool for resisting all your darker urges! Just imagine the devastation it would cause your family if you were to hurt yourself.
It's pretty clear, that you have a hard life, more so with your disability and your inability to be completely independent - but from where I sit, it also seems you have quite a rich life and a lot to be thankful for.
You've got a chance to share your knowledge with your nephew, an extensive family that cares so much they're almost overwhelming, a chance to share your imagination and improve your writing skills with the fandom and with every new day you get a chance to learn something new, have a laugh or curse out at the world - and once you take a road to self-destruction good and proper, to the very end, your story is finished and there can never be another chapter, perhaps a happier end.
I'm very proud of you for keeping up the struggle, for struggle it is, not only for you, but for everyone out there who may seem happier and care-free out there. I wish you to find meaning and little joys of life in every day that passes. :) *hugs for courage and optimism!*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for being so awesome. I really do appreciate you. My life can be hard sometimes, but there is a lot of good in it too. On the bad days, that can be really hard to see. Thanks for reminding me of it. I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet, no worries. It's not so easy to get rid of me. Thank you very much for everything. *glomps you and offers chocolate* *hugs* <3

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Bad days suck, but hang tough, and better days will follow.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Jae. Sorry I was so late responding to this one. *hugs* -offers chocolate-