The thoughts in me head are dark, dark, dark...

[bleedingangel84]

The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.

Comments

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

:) Wanting to find solutions and be proactive isn't a bad thing. I very much appreciate your take on things when you respond to what I post. It makes me feel less isolated when it comes to the things I deal with, which is a huge help. Even if all you are doing is posting words, it means a lot that you took the time to think about and type a reply. I value that very much. You are very right in saying that I could use a change of environment every now and again. I'll have to see if I can't find a means of accomplishing that. Thank you for not feeling sorry for me. I'm not sure I deserve admiration, but I'm thankful you feel that way.

The funny thing with my Cerebral Palsy is that it doesn't seem to have that much negative impact on my physical health, but it definitely influences what my family in general thinks I'm capable of doing. There are things I know I'm capable of doing that aren't allowed or encouraged because my family is afraid I'd be hurt if they permitted them. It's frustrating, because on one hand I am an adult, but on the other, certain of my physical limitations force me to be in a dependent position on people I might otherwise choose not to associate with if I were completely independent. The physical limitations are bad enough in and of themselves, but the emotional/mental ramifications of it are the hardest things to deal with most of the time. All I know to do is just to keep trying and do the best I can to be myself. Hopefully my family will eventually learn to see things differently. Thank you again for everything.