Triggers galore today

[bleedingangel84]

I had to try on clothes today. That always triggers the not-good, hate my body feeling. Being told 'we need to get some weight off those legs" hurts. Badly.

I'm trying not to give into my impulses to starve myself.

I know it's such a stupid thing to get triggered over, but damn it, I can't help it.

i felt like a complete failure at that moment.

I'm healthy, but now I feel fat and ugly.

I feel worthless as all fuck right now, It's stupid, I know, but I do.

I wish i could just disappear from the face of the planet.

I don't mean to bellyache all over my journal, but I had to get that out.

*cries*

In the first place, that was a sucky thing to say, and in the second, my body is MINE, and doesn't belong to anyone else.

I just want to hit something.

*screams*

Comments

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

Honey - who told you something so stupid? We all look different, and if there was a way to loose weight at specific places of our body most of us would run around looking like a plastic doll. I have no waist to speak of - if I lose weight to have a waist - I lose my boobs and my butt, since I like those more, I live with not having a waist. So don´t let any trollop tell you where to loose what on your body okay?

Hugs to you!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

It was my grandmother, which just made everything worse. Thank you very much for the support. It really helps. I'm trying not to let what she said affect me so much, but it does hurt. *hugs*

[0idontknow0]

*hugs*

I was thinking that if you have a ball you could throw it against something repeatedly. It'd be less painful than hitting something. Or maybe ripping a bunch of paper you don't need, or cardboard. Something you can go wild with.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I really ought to try that. It would probably help.

[my_thestral]

Oh, I know very well how those little things someone probably didn't think through or twice about can bring you down! I was anorexic for 10 years and if someone as much as hinted that there was something wrong with my body, I'd starve myself stupid. Of course, when they started hinting I was too skinny, I tended to take that as a compliment. I was fat as a child and once I realized if I lose weight, I have a potential of looking attractive, there was no end to my folly! Ten of the best years of my life went down the drain - but the experience I got was priceless, so I don't wish they didn't happen, I just wish I could go back in time and slap the stupid bitch that I was.
One thing that I learnt was, that I was no happier thinner than I was fat, I might have been even more miserable. Weight had absolutely no meaning in making me feel good about myself. So one day, when I was almost left friendless - cause I pretty much drove everyone away - I asked myself if that's what my life is going to be about? About a lonely skeleton in the mirror? Was I really willing to trade everything that I've achieved for an ideal I could never reach, because it only lived in my head? And the answer was plain and simple: no, it wasn't, no I wasn't. The solution, however, was much harder. Loving yourself is a bitch. Letting go of obsessive self-control more so. I paid dearly for my happiness and it was hard earned, but I got there in the end.
So my life lesson was, that there are always going to be new friends, new jobs, new loves, new experiences - but just one self-esteem. No one can bring you down if you don't let them,cause you're all that.:) Fastest sperm? Ring a bell? ;)
So yes, your legs might not be perfect, but the fucking walk, don't they?! They do their job - imagine not having them! Or your hips might be too wide - you'll be glad of that if/when you have children. I've got hips that need their own postal code and my babies practically flew out! ;) Everything on your body has a purpose and you're not a bloody mannequin, are you? Do you think you'd really be happier skinnier? My experience says: nope. Better find kinder people that cuddle your soul, rather than hate yourself for people who don't appreciate variety in humans. Just my two cents - cause your post really stroke near home. I apologize for usurping your journal for my selfish ranting. :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Please, feel free to rant away if you like. It helps knowing that someone can identify with what that feels like. I know I don't want to sink back into that pit. There is so much more to life than what my body looks like, but when I hear things like that from people I care about, it really triggers me. I'm doing my best not to let it drag me back down, but sometimes the thoughts are really loud. Yesterday they were yelping at me. Thank you so much for sharing some of your experience and wisdom with me. I appreciate it very much!

[my_thestral]

Thank you for being so gracious, I have a bad habit of starting the rant and not knowing when and how to stop - and sometimes it's on other people's journals.(*is angry at self and sends herself to stand in a corner*)
I read that it was your grandma that said it and I think that's what makes it so hard to ignore - if it was someone who was out to hurt/humiliate you, you could probably just chalk it up to their viciousness. But if it's your grandma, you probably consider her someone that cares for you, so you attribute value to what she has to say. But most likely she was just being thoughtless with no intent to hurt you. I learned that being honest with people works for me in those situations.
In my case, it was my mother, who would often make a similar remarks. She was very pretty in her youth and always found it hard to accept that one of her daughters wasn't. It was usually acid on the wounds of my damaged self-esteem and I would keep it to myself and ponder on it endlessly, chewing myself over what was in no way a universal truth, but more like her opinion.
So one day I had it and I looked her in the eye and I told her: Mom, you're hurting me. I know you don't want to do that, but I happen to be extra sensitive in this particular area and I'd really appreciate it, if you told me you loved me instead, no matter how I looked like. And she had no idea - she was honestly flabbergasted over the thought that I would equal the way she commented on my looks with the way she felt about me. Cause my mom loves us, her kids, but isn't in much of a habit of saying so. And it worked on my mom, honesty often does. It's so much pretending and playing tough out there that when someone bares their soul, it often hits home. But I think it only worked cause my mom is a good person, just a bit superficial from time to time.:)
And I've done it again, uh... (*drags that naughty girl out of the corner and kicks her out for good*) I solemnly swear to shut up from now on and hand you your journal back. Sorry! *squeals and runs away* ;)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. I really do appreciate you sharing what your experiences have been, so please don't feel like you have to be quiet just because it's on my journal. I really don't mind you speaking out here. I've asked my grandmother several times not to make comments about things regarding my weight unless I ask her something in particular, but she often says things without thinking. I realize that's what she's doing, but it still hits me hard, especially if I'm stressed or emotional like I was this weekend. I know she'd never want to have a negative effect on me, but it still hurts. sometimes the thoughtless things hurt worse, actually. Because if someone takes the time to think of something insulting, it's easier to rationalize it and brush it off because you know there's a reason they said it that's often not related to you. It just hurts, because when I address things like this, I hear that I just need to get over it or overlook it, but it's not that easy. It always comes back to the fact that I'm the one with the issue, so it's up to me to deal with it.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

:(

*hugs*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you, Jae. <3