Skulls and Angels

My userhead, which I received as a gift last year (thank you digthewriter) was supposed to have expired on the 11th of this month. My profile says it is still active and is not giving me the option to switch to the default head. I don't particularly want to be bald again, but this is slightly concerning me. I just don't want the lj cops coming after me for still having my head on. God, that sounds weird. Or is my computer just glitching and I am bald to everyone else but myself now? Paranoid girl getting paranoid about weird pointless crap, Going to go offline now, and hopefully sleep or watch tv until I have to get my grandmother her daily yogurt.

Hope everyone is well. Going to find a blanket and curl under it. Good morning/evening/midday, depending on which timezone you are in. I will shut up...now...

Bye. Thank you for reading this pointless post. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

My sister took me and my oldest nephew to see this yesterday. I thought it was an interesting movie overall, but I felt there were too many characters and interweaving plots going on. My favorite character was the witch, oddly enough. Meryl Streep was just amazing. And much more sympathethic than your stereotypical fairytale witch, which was quite refreshing. I also liked Johnny Depp as the wolf. He was just so deliciously evil. The other characters somewhat got on my nerves at some point, but the music was overall very well done, particularly in the case of Little Red Riding Hood. I thought the actress playing her role did a wonderful job. I would not recommend  going to theaters to see this, but I'd say it's definitely worth renting or streaming when it comes out on DVD. I may buy it.

Why is the site down? Mildly panic-stricken here. It was working all right the last time I read there, which was yesterday. So, I have no clue. Eek. Loooong day. Need chocolate. Or tea. Or both. Hope everyone is well.

They didn't come to pick my nephew up from his tutoring until about 7:30pm. My brain is beyond fried. I'm struggling with the stress I've been dealing with lately, and it's making me wish I was still engaging in my more harmful pastimes.I have healthier ways to cope, and I know that. Right now, though, part of my brain wants to say "fuck off" to anything healthy because i just want to self-destruct.  I won't, but I want to. I had to put that out there, if for no other reason than for the sake of honesty.

I sometimes wish I was dead. That has been happening more often lately. I should say here that I have no plans or intentions to do anything that drastic, so please don't worry about that. I've just noticed that I tend to get morbidly introspective when I get stressed, and that is not really the best thing for my well-being, because I start to feel like a drain on my family, and a burden. I do my best to make sure that I'm not. I give back in whatever way I can, but I'm not Wonder Woman. I have to navigate around my limitations, and sometimes that is the world's biggest pain in my ass. But, if I didn't have this, then maybe I'd have to be some ignorant asshat. So, I think I'll stick it out. I'd rather have physical challenges than have a small mind.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Love and positive thoughts for all.

My grandmother is awake now. She's still dealing with a lot of pain. They wanted to try to get her up and walking on her feet today, but she was hurting really badly. The physical therapist, from what I was told, was aggravated at her not being able to walk. I can understand being frustrated with a situation, but for fuck's sake, do not take it out on your patient. Her hip has been broken for three damn weeks because the doctor was unthinking enough not to order an x-ray. This situation is not her fault, and is certainly nothing she wanted to have happpen.

They got her out of bed and into a chair next to her bed for an hour this morning, which I think is a good thing. Maybe that's naive, but I'm holding on to the positive in this as hard as I can. I don't care if it makes me seem stupid or in denial, or whatever else they might think. Anyway, that's all the news I have.

As for me, I feel sort of emotionally wiped out. I wish I could flip a switch and make her walk without pain. I wish I could flip a switch and make her well again, period. I know these things take time, and I'm not giving up on hoping for a full and complete return to health. I want her back home safe and well so much.

Life is upside down right now, and all I can do is pray that it rights itself soon.

All of this makes me think of my daddy. I really miss him right now, and I wish he were here.

If you guys feel so inclined, please say a prayer or think good thoughts for my grandmother. She was admitted to the hospital today. She hasn't been able to walk in the last couple of weeks. They thought that she had bursitis, but it turns out it was a hip fracture. They are replacing her hip tomorrow. They've said they would have her up on it by Saturday, but I can't help feeling anxious about it, just a little. Hospitals and doctors and surgieries and anesthesia all make me squirm just a bit because of my own medical history. And the fact that the doctors didn't catch this sooner just makes me shake my head. I mean, I know that doctors are only human, but it seems that if they go to school to become doctors, they should be able to catch things like this before hip replacement becomes a necessary thing.

I don't know, maybe I'm being unfair to them, but she's my grandmother, and I want her well and safe at home, not in some hospital. I feel all oogley and discombobled and like I just want to turn into a waterfall and run away so I don't have to be me right now.

My sister is staying with me tonight because I'm "not allowed" to stay by myself. With all this going on, is it weird that this bothers me almost as much as what's happening with my grandmother? I mean, I know why they won't won't let me, but on some levels, it really bugs the shit out of me. I'm thirty years old, not thirteen. I know I don't live in the safest area, but if shit's going to happen to me, it will happen wherever I am.

That's what has been going on in my life. I feel like a selfish person even considering myself at a time like this, but I am battling really self-destructive thoughts at the moment. I wish I could make myself bleed. But, I won't. I won't make my family feel worse. I know deep inside that I am stronger than anyone realizes, so I will deal with this in some other way.

I'm stressed, but trying to stay positive about everything. I'm eating, doing yoga, drinking tea, doing fandom related things, and reading books.  My nephew's preacher apparently thinks yoga is sinful, but it helps me. I'm able to do things for my self care more easily and with less hassle when I do yoga, so I intend to do it whenever I can. I'm doing my best to send positive energy into the universe and not negative., in spite of all that's happening. Take care. Peace to all.

I just wanna cry. I mean hard down bawl.  I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I want to fucking scream. Or cut. Or something. I don't even know. I just wish I didn't feel the way I do right now.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a day off. Yay. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep the day away. I don't want to get near a computer. That is how fried my brain is right now. I'm physically okay, but I feel that if I opened my mouth, nothing but gibberish would come out of it. You might as well serve my brain with mustard, because my gray matter is onion rings.

I am, for once, looking forward to this weekend. I have every intention of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower tomorrow. It is one of my favorite movies ever. I can relate to both that movie and book in some way that defies being quantified. I recently bought it on Amazon for less than $5. New. I guess it must've been meant for me to have it.

I have been struggling lately. I can't say that I'm actively suicidal. I have no plans to do anything that drastic, but I have been thinking about death a lot. The self-destructive side of me is rearing its head a little. I'm doing my best to ignore that and get on with self-care, but in all honesty, that's not what I want to do. I just feel like I'm going to explode if this keeps up. I'm almost looking forward to that because it would be something different. I don't even know how to make that make sense to anyone else, but everything in my life, especially lately, always feels the same. I'm around the same people and I do the same things every day. And that's all well and good. But, there's a part of me that wishes I was anywhere else doing anything else and with anyone else.

I literally have had no personal face-to-face contact with anyone who isn't in my family for months now. Even when I do get out of my house to go for supplies and food, it's my family that takes me. I just feel the urge to scream sometimes. I love my family. and I know they love me. I wish them no ill will. I'm thankful for all they do for me. But, sometimes I wish things were different.

I guess that's all I have to say. I hope everyone is well.